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DOLAZAK DRUGOG DETETA - Iz srca jedne mame - LANAWRITES

Dolazak drugog deteta:

-iz srca jedne mame-

Bila sam na korak do osmog meseca trudnoće, kada je naš “veliki dečak” počeo sve više da se interesuje za moj rastući stomak.

Dobićeš seku”, govorila sam.

Postaćeš veliki bata koji će da se brine o njoj”, nastavljala sam, dok mi je jedna tvrdoglava knedla stajala u grlu.

Osećaj ponosa zasijao bi na njegovom lepom bebećem licu, jer je nazvan “velikim”, iako mu je drugi deo rečenice bio poznat kao špansko selo.

U tom momentu nije imao ni pune dve godine, nije bio spreman da brine ni o sebi. Nije bio u potpunosti ni svestan sebe, a još manje šta je to seka i kako se brinuti o njoj. 

Čudno je ponekad šta sve mi roditelji izgovorimo svojoj deci, naivno pretpostavljajući da nailazimo na razumevanje. 

Ova konstatacija o velikom bati nije bila ni blizu istini, i ja sam to znala najbolje. Zbog toga me je i mučila ona dosadna knedla, svaki put kada bih mu nešto slično rekla. Bolela me je činjenica što se od njega očekuje uloga velikog, kojoj nije dorastao. Jer, i on je bio beba. Ali da, govorila sam to često, da bih videla onaj tračak ponosa na njegovom licu, i da bih ohrabrila i samu sebe za ono što dolazi.

Kako se trudnoća primicala kraju, tako su rasli i moji strahovi, i neka pritajena tuga.

Dolazak drugog deteta -Photo By Natalia Deriabina-Shutterstock lanawrites.com
Dolazak drugog deteta -Photo By Natalia Deriabina-Shutterstock

Koliko sam se radovala dolasku bebe, toliko mi je bilo strašno da pomislim da neću više imati dovoljno vremena, niti pažnje za njegaPlašila sam se da će se osećati odbačenim i nevoljenim. Da će, umesto ljubavi prema sestrici, razviti osećanje ljubomore, zavisti i mržnje.

Sve me je to mučilo.

Bio je to samo dodatak, koji mi, pored gorušice i neprestanog osećaja pune bešike, nije davao sna noćima.

Odlazak u bolnicu sam podnela izuzetno teško, budući da je to bilo naše prvo odvajanje. I koliko sam god puta do tada maštala o prospavanoj noći, ni u porodilištu je nisam doživela.

Rođenje naše devojčice zaokupilo mi je srce i misli, i dešavalo mi se čak da se ni ne rasplačem pri pomisli na dečaka koji me je nestrpljivo čekao kod kuće. I to sam smatrala svojim napretkom.

“Očvrsla sam”, rekla bih samoj sebi u šali, kada bih uspešno zadržala suze namenjene njemu. A bilo je i onih koje nisam uspela da zadržim, i to mnogo.

Povratak kući doneo je nove suze. Uz njih su redom nailazili griža savesti, nemoć, osećanje da sam loša majka jer ne uspevam da odgovorim na sve potrebe “velikog dečaka”, zbog brige o bebi kojoj sam u tom momentu potrebnija.

Neprestano vaganje pažnje, nežnosti i prioriteta me je zamaralo, i činilo još iscrpljenijom nego što sam bila. Srce bi mi zadrhtalo svaki put kada bi oboje zaplakali u isto vreme, i kada je bilo potrebno odlučiti čiji će vapaj morati da sačeka na utehu. Čiji je plač vredniji? Kome sam potrebnija? Da li sam dobro postupila, izabrala? Da li sam pogrešila?

I ono retoričko pitanje: ”Da li sam preterala?”, kada sam, potpuno iscrpljena i onemoćala, viknula na njega jer je nakon onolikog truda, otišao u sobu i probudio bebu.

“Želeo sam samo da je pomazim”, rekao bi nevino, a ja bih tada najrađe u zemlju propala, da me nema. Da prođu muke.

Nije bilo lako podeliti srce na dva dela, a vremenom, sama po sebi, došla je i spoznaja da tako nešto nije ni potrebno činiti. Da ima mesta za sve. I da, umnožavanjem ljubavi, srce postaje veće, ispunjenije i jače.

Ono što je bilo teško je klonirati sebe i svoje fizičke mogućnosti.

Svaki sam sekund bebinog sna provodila sa dečakom, poklanjajući mu i poslednji atom svoje prisebnosti i snage koja je bila na izdisaju, samo da mu budem tu. Samo da ne oseti da me nema kao pre. Samo da sve bude kao pre. A nikada nije bilo, niti će biti.

Dolazak drugog deteta - Photo By NadyaEugene-Shutterstock lanawrites.com
Dolazak drugog deteta – Photo By NadyaEugene-Shutterstock

Potrebno je bilo da prođe vreme, da se stabilizuju hormoni, da se stabilizuje naš novi porodični ritam, da se svi međusobno naviknemo na novo brojčano stanje, da bismo zajedno shvatili da ni ne bi bilo dobro da ponovo bude kao pre.

Samo zbog toga što tako nešto ne bismo ni želeli.

Jer, postalo nam je mnogo bolje nego pre.

Početak je bio težak, ali ono što smo dobili je neprocenjivo.

Imamo jedni druge. 

A to vredi svakog truda, svake suze, svake brige.

I što je najluđe, sve bih opet ponovo. 🙂

Jer, sada znam da je vredelo.

Svaki put sam iznova svesna toga kada ih vidim kako se zajedno jurcaju po parku, kako se drže za ruke na putu do vrtića, kako paze jedno na drugo, i kako zajedno maštaju i blesave se na podu našeg dnevnog boravka.

A posebno, kada mi, nekim čudom, ispari nutela iz ormarića, pa ih krajičkom oka vidim kako se kradomice naslađuju prstima, u svom tajnom skrovištu ispod trpezarijskog stola.

“Deco, da niste možda videli negde nutelu?”, upitala bih onako usput, dok bi me dve anđeoske glavice sa čokoladnim brkovima gledale nevino trepćući, i mašući levo-desno.

Uvek zajedno. I u ljubavi, i u svađi, i u igri, i u vragolijama.

Pravi “veliki” bata i “mala” seka.

To je slika koju sam oduvek priželjkivala u svom domu,

i zauvek ću biti zahvalna što mi je ukrasila život.

Zaista je vredelo.

Bez svake sumnje. 

 

Kako pripremiti dete za dolazak prinove saznajte OVDE

A ukoliko vas interesuje kako izbaciti decu iz bračnog kreveta, kliknite OVDE

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